There’s a nagging thought that keeps popping into my mind: would things have turned out differently if I’d stayed single? I rely so much on others, especially my partner, for emotional support. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’ve built my life around these dependencies—whether it’s people or situations that make me feel secure. I can’t help but ask myself: am I just using everything and everyone for my own benefit?
I’ve always wanted to be truly independent—emotionally, physically, in every way possible. But I’ll admit it—I haven’t been a great friend. Most of my friendships have faded over time, and I’m not one to put in the effort to keep them alive. Only a few have managed to stick around. And lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of completely withdrawing, even from the people I work with who are slowly becoming more like friends. Being vulnerable, sharing more than just surface-level stuff—it often feels like it’s not worth the added weight.
I wish we didn’t have this overwhelming need for connection. It’s frustrating to feel so strongly about something I’d rather not care about. Maybe that’s why I keep saying I’m an introvert, even though many see me as the opposite. If it were just up to me, I’d probably choose to be alone most of the time. I crave freedom from these constant pulls to socialize, to depend on others for comfort and validation.
In the past five years, I’ve made strides toward financial independence. It’s been a tough climb, especially after losing my job and spending nearly a year trying to get back on my feet. Even now, I’m still recovering, still figuring things out. I haven’t shared much of this struggle with anyone—not even my partner—until now. I wish I could, but it’s not easy to talk about.
There’s a part of me that wants complete independence in every area of my life. I want to be able to stand on my own, to meet my emotional, physical, and financial needs without leaning on anyone else. It’s not easy, but it’s a path I’m committed to. Because true freedom, I think, is being able to rely on yourself completely. And even if it’s a long road ahead, I’m determined to see it through.